To Be
by Zanbandia
Summary: "But I suppose when you're hungry anything is good."


To Be

_Beep. Beep. Beep…_

The shrill electronic alarm of the microwave informed the inhabitant of the lonely apartment, on the second floor, that her cup of noodles was done and it was time to eat.

She is a small thing, only nine years old, her hair is bright and her eyes are wide and big, and a pretty, pretty, pretty gray. She doesn't make much noise in the lonely apartment, on the second floor, as she moves around to retrieve her food. It's cheap and fulfilling for awhile, but she misses the hot meals that are filled with nutrition and love, lots and lots of love. She misses sitting across from her brother and telling him about her day and how he would make soft humming sounds and reply with his own story of his day. She misses, missies, and misses so much that she feels like her heart with collapse on itself and there will be nothing there; nothing.

She wants to fill that void.

Fill it full with something, anything…

Fill it up.

Instead she gathers her utensils and her cup of noodles and sits back at the low table. She eats her food and it taste like beef, the carrots are sweet, the corn is firmly soft, and the noodles are nice and spongy. She sits there and chews, swallows, masticates, ingests, munches, and cries.

The tears are hot and wet. They sting her eyes but she continues to ear, even when her nose is snotty and she taste the salty mucus in her mouth with the ramen. She continues to eat and cry. Cry and eat. Over and over until it's all gone and only a little brother remain at the bottom.

She wants to fill up the void, so she eats but its cheap and only makes her feel full till she's hungry again. It leaves her unsatisfied.

She cries and eats hoping to release the emptiness and take in something that will make her happy. Instead she ends up getting a stomach ache and vows not to eat and cry at the same time again.

She wants to fill up, fill it full, make it overflow, but she doesn't know what to use.

~.~

Weeks go by and her classmate becomes her protector and teaches her how to defend herself. She learns with gusto.

She needs to fill up, overflow, and drown in something.

She learns and finds that the aching muscles and action of doing something leaves her too exhausted at the end of the day to eat and cry, instead she barely gets through a bath and flops down in bed. Its interesting and new and she does enjoy it. She finds that it makes her feel a little more alive. A little more full.

She learns and progress fast in the next three months. She's strong and firm in her ability to perform. It isn't until one day while walking home from the story, a person grabs her and she reacts on instinct, she twists and flips her attacker. The body slams hard into the concrete and her ears are assaulted with a heavy crack and the person's head opens against ground. There's blood and pain and she's shocked and horrified. Satisfied but overwhelmingly disgusted with her actions.

A bystander calls for help. When it arrives she is questioned and not blamed when witnesses say it was in self defense. The officer questioning her says she did the right thing and not to worry.

But she does.

She worries and hates herself for hurting someone else. She has no one to tell how it was exciting and amazing having such an ability to make someone hurt, but how much it makes her sick to hear the damaged caused, see it feel it in her hands after the deed is done.

She has no one to reassure her it's okay and that sometimes you need to be a little aggressive to protect yourself and others. So, she overflows and wallows, and drowns in her disgust, she cries and promises and never hurt someone again. If people lash out she simply smiles and laughs it off.

Vaguely she remembers physical pain that made her cry, sob, and wail. Some nights she wakes up shaking and she promise, fifty times and fifty times, that she won't hurt others to protect herself.

She keeps practicing and she keeps learning karate with Tatsuki but she vows that she won't hurt anyone again.

~.~

It's been months and a few days. She's making her way to the cemetery but she stops short and turns around and heads to Tatsuki's instead. Maybe there will be leftovers and Tatsuki's mom won't mind if she has them.

~.~

There are no left over but Tatsuki convinces her to stay until her mom gets back from store with food. She assures Orihime that her parents won't mind if she stays for dinner. They like her and feel better knowing she's has a full belly.

Orihime smiles gratefully and they watch a comedy show to pass the time. Ten minutes in her stomach growls and she's so hungry, but she didn't have a lot left over from the support checks from her relatives. She'll have to call and ask for a little more.

She hates it, even though they say its fine, she feel troublesome, a burden, an annoyance.

So, she grits her teeth and goes without, only paying for bills and necessities. She accepts food that classmates don't want and comes to Tatsuki's house when invited which is most of the days out of the week. She can go pretty long without eating now and she really enjoys hot meals, but she takes what she can get.

She's at her limit and asks Tatsuki if there is anything at all to snack on and Tatsuki gets up and checks. She comes back with some carrot sticks and red bean paste. She hands them over and tells Orihime not to bother with the red bean paste, but Orihime is not extremely fond of carrots, to her they taste too milky for a vegetable but she's hungry.

Beggers can't be chooser.

She takes both and smiles brightly at Tatsuki, because she is happy and grateful and so, so, so full. Full of Tatsuki.

She opens the red bean paste and Tatsuki tells her not to eat it that it is too sweet. Orihime shrugs and dips the carrot in the paste and pops it in her mouth.

She chews, swallows, masticates, ingests, munches, and gobbles, and repeats over and over and over again.

Tatsuki stares at her in surprised and asks if she really likes it.

Orihime smiles and gives an energetic 'yes' and 'thank you' to Tatsuki.

She doesn't have the heart to tell her friend she was starving and that she thinks carrots taste too milking and the red bean paste was a little too sweet. That she still prefers and hot meal and homemade cooking filled with love and family. She says that after the sixth bean paste cover stick she didn't want to continue, but she was so empty, hungry, starving.

Everything tastes amazing when you're starving.

~.~

Orihime learns this around the third time she is forced for scarf down a strange meal. She learns fast in buying things that are on sale and cheap and last long in a cabinet. Soon she grows use to it and enjoys the meals to a point.

Though some nights she misses the hot warms meals from days passed all the different spices, flavors, and textures of a traditional Japanese dinner. When she's lucky enough to get a nice 'normal' meal she deforms it with different condiments and sauces. She doesn't want to spoil herself.

Even when her relatives send more money and Tatsuki's mother show her how to cook, Orihime continues eating her strange food. At some point it becomes a personal challenge, how far can she go before even she can't swallow her own strange creation?

She's not sure she'll even find out. It feels like there will never been enough money for food, there will never be someone to share it with.

She's sure Tatsuke has an idea on what is really going on. Orihime has cooked enough normal meals and eaten enough times at her house that it is not the hard for Tatsuki to notice. There are times when Orihime gets home and opens her school books to see money tucked inside. She smiles and puts it away to save for when the next check comes. It's a little something and Orihime doesn't have the heart to refuse her friend.

So she keeps eating her strange meals and saving.

She fills up and up and up.

Tatsuki continues to give and give.

~.~

They arrive at her place dripping and soaked from the rain they tried to out run. They're plans were ruined and now they couldn't eat out at a cute little café Orihime had found. Instead they're stuck inside and hungry. Orihime offers tea and Tatsuki accepts.

Orhime rummages through her barren fridge for something to eat. There are leeks, an orange, and some mayo available and a quick look at the expiration date shows the mayo is good to consume.

Tatsuki comes in and sees what Orihime has pulled out. She frowns and Orihime flushes in shame. She had saved and saved so she and Tatsuki could enjoy their café lunch, but now she's embarrassed but Tatsuki forever understands. She simply grabs the few slices of bread available and a spoon and starts to make sandwiches.

"Peel the orange Orihime."

She does and divides it evenly, placing one half on her plate and the other on Tatsuki's.

After they finish their leeks and mayo sandwiches they enjoy the sweet, pulpy orange. It may not be much but Tatsuki thanks her for the meal Orihime smiles brightly and sincerely. It was not much but it is the first meal she made with and for a friend.

When Tatsuki leaves for home Orihime finds a few notes of money on the table near her door. The next day she's able to get some bread, lettuce, tomatoes, and ham.

~.~

Not many people know about Orihime's strange eating habits and not many bother to learn the reason behind it. Most assume she has strange taste.

They never stop and take into consideration and red bean paste and wasabi are thick and good fillers.

They've never had to scrounge together odds and ends to find something that will hold them over for a little while longer.

Tatsuki knows and has spent years providing what she can for Orihime. Be it a few extra notes of money to an extra bento at lunch, or inviting her over for dinner. They don't go out and eat. They don't bother. Instead Tatsuki usually demands that Orihime come over and cook her something amazing.

Because Orihime can cook, Tatsuki's mother made sure. She just lacks the proper ingredients.

~.~

She slathers on some red bean paste and inside wishes the melon bread she got was just a little bigger or perhaps she wish she could've gotten two. One is fine thought the paste will make it heavier in her tummy and she'll be fine for dinner at Tatsuki's tonight. She's practically moved in after returning Heuco Mundo. When Tatsuki's parents discovered that she had gone missing from some time they were quick to call the cops but Tatsuki stopped and told them all she could and the three were left gritting their teeth and putting Orihime's fate in a teenage boy's hands.

When she returned Tatsuki's father made plans to sell her apartment and move her into their home.

In a few days Orihime was happy to say she'd be living with the Arisawas.

"Oi, Inoue."

Orihime paused and looked towards Rukia.

"Yes, Kuchiki-san?"

This was a new also. She and Tatsuki had started to eat lunch with Ichigo and his friends, Rukia and Renji included, about a week ago. Orihime was fine with that and Tatsuki seemed fine as long as Orihime was near her.

"I've been wondering for awhile now," Rukia started and picked at the corner on her juice box.

Things would never the same but then again it seemed they were all reaching out to each other, learning, filling up with knowledge of each other. Though Orihime showed them she knew more about them then they did her. It was sad and shameful but she didn't seem to mind she was the only one.

She knew in her heart that no one would know here that well, no one but Tatsuki.

"Why do you like red bean paste?"

Everyone stops and looks, listens, waits.

Orihime smiles and takes a bite, chews, swallows and dabs at her lips.

"I don't," She answers.

"Huh?"

"But I suppose when you're hungry anything is good."

There is silence and stares but Orihime continues to eat her bread and Tatsuki rest her head on her shoulder and in turn she rests her head on top of her's.

The others starte and then look away. The words sink in and then they make sense and Rukia and Renji understand, Ishida pushes up his glasses and stares down at his food, Sado remains silent but supportive, and Ichigo grits his teeth and clenches his fists and looks away.

Orihime doesn't regret her words. She wants to fill them up with herself, let them in and make them full, overflowing, and abundant with her secrets and self. Just as Tatsuki has for her and she has for Tatsuki.

She wants them to know that she loves cranberries because they are sweet and tart. She prefers sushi when she goes out to eat and she can't get enough of oranges. She likes mango icecream. She loves sandwiches that are made with soft, fresh bread. She not to found of daiken or mocha but she loves flavorful dishes.

She wants to be able to name things they like, just like she knows Tatsuki love guacamole ice cream and leek miso soup in the winter. How she takes out the spinach from her salads and isn't fond of almonds or walnuts. How she always saves the cherries for last whenever she has a sundae.

Orihime wants to have common favorites with them. Like melon bread, or strawberry pocky.

Her and Tatsuki both enjoy chicken ramen and peanut butter and apples.

Tatsuki and she have filled each other up and overflowed and bask in each other. She wants to reach out to her other friends and do the same. She wants to know them inside out and know the little things. She wants to love Ichigo for a more solid reason than hero worship. She wants him to like her even she likes raspberry vinaigrette on her salads and knowing that yellow is her favorite colors. She wants them to learn and overflows and fill each other up and take on each other mannerisms and likes and dislikes. She wants to be actual friends and not just comrades.

She wants to fill up, overflow, drown, give, and take.

She wants to be.

* * *

An: Just a little something that came to mind. Started with a 'what if Tatsuki's mom taught Orihime how to cook' idea and went from that to this. As you can see the idea barely gets that big of a spot. It ended up going from a lonely little girl to a teenager who's been through some stuff and wants to finally open up to people.

I know Orihime just has weird taste but this interpretation came when I was at work and all of us were hungry and were willing to eat anything. I know that I get sick of pizza and at times hate it, but when your hungry it doesn't matter. It can be the most delicious thing ever. A true story of this is when my boss got liver bites for herself. I abhor liver and wouldn't eat it as a child, but when she offered it to me I ate it and liked it until I started feeling full and then my dislike for it was back. I suppose this is a story and looks into the more realistic side of a child raising herself. I don't like that about manga. The idea that a child can raise themselves. I hate how they grow up to be fully functioning individuals. Hell, look how Ichigo turned out with one parent.

I like to believe that Tatsuki and her family filled Orihime's empty life with lots and lots of love and in a sense raised her even though she didn't live with them. I don't think Kubo gives Tatsuki enough credit. The fans too. I always hear how Rukia suddenly becomes the best friend and Tatsuki is give the back seat. In my mind Tatsuki will always be first in Orihime's heart. No matter what. Sorry if there are any mistakes and I hope you enjoy and hopefully develope a new look about Orihime.


End file.
